I’ve spent a lot of time talking how I relate to other people. Be it in terms of friendship, or romance, or anything (such as them mugging me). But something I’ve never tackled directly is how I see myself. I certainly imply it, when I talk about love or dating especially, because I have fairly strong views about why I do not “fit,” in many respects. But I thought it would be interesting to try to actually hone in on what I feel about myself. These days I often describe myself as intense, or difficult. Sometime people agree, often they disagree. What do these words mean? How do I see myself? I’m particularly interested in doing this because when I talk about this with people, I often realize how wrong I am. That my own self-perception is so-often completely divorced from how I am actually perceived. A lot of these of course tie together.
Intense:
This is a contentious one, so I tackle it first. It’s hard to pin down what “intensity” is, since different types of people are perceived as “intense.” But for me, I think my intensity is that I never turn off. As you read the following points below, consider that. It’s not just that I am interested or whatever, but that I am always interested. I am generally at high levels of me, and that rarely drops off. It drops off when I am holed away reading (and perhaps this is why I enjoy reading with others so much, a chance to interact with them in a totally different way). I’m intense because other people do turn off, they do temper themselves. Sometimes they aren’t interested. Sometimes they simply do not care. I don’t want to paint myself as someone who doesn’t understand social norms, that’s not what I mean. But what I mean is that when you interact with me, you’re generally getting a full stream. You can’t turn down the firehouse. And I know that for some people, this is probably overwhelming. (This isn’t to say that I don’t think I can be supportive in a crisis or anything, I’m aware of these things and try to be the person my friends need me to be when they are in need, but long term, I will inevitably be me).
Relatedly is the fact that I am bad with boundaries. I mentioned in this entry that I often go from 0 to 100 with new friends very rapidly — a part of this is that I am bad at having “levels” of friends. It’s an on or off proposition. This, I think, is another source of intensity. People aren’t used to that. They’re not use to you caring, sincerely, off the bat, and so what is sincere and honest is perceived as aggressive and haughty. Even if we could potentially be friends, it can be too much too quickly.
Interested:
I think I am deeply interested in, well, just about everything. Academic subjects, yes. Media, yes. This isn’t to say I know a lot about these subjects, I’d say I know a lot less than I’d like, and a lot less than a lot of people, but I care. I care about what people think and feel. I don’t think this is a bad thing, if anything, it’s probably this curiosity which will help me with what fleeting successes I enjoy. But as I said above, it can be hard to prove sincerity. Which leads too…
Earnest:
I really do care. I think this related to the above, but deserves it’s own line. If we’re talking about you, I want to know about you. I won’t hide it. I’ll ask a lot of questions. And I’ll be honest about my thoughts, my feelings, and my curiosity. But that is at tension with…
Snarky:
It’s funny to mention this, because I just mentioned earnestness. And there is definitely a tension between an earnest appreciation of people and a sarcastic back and forth with them. I think this is a tension which some people find alienating when dealing with me, or at least, they only see one or the other and get confused or even hurt when they sense the other (generally it’s harder when someone is used to my more earnest qualities and then sees my penchant for snark). But i like to think my snark is predicated on a serious amount of security and trust in each other…which is difficult! This connects with a lot of the above, especially intensity. I’m “always on.” Few areas are off limits, and the better I know you, the harder it will be for me to resist. To me, joking like this is one of the beautiful benefits of shared history, of intimacy. That we can take ourselves, our histories, and riff on it. But that’s hard for people. It can be hard to go interleave a serious talk and joking, which I think makes people think I’m a jerk. It certainly undermines the sense of earnest interest I mention above. But for me, I do not separate out my conversations. I very rarely have a “serious chat” where everyone is frowning, or a “happy chat” where we put aside our worldly cares and talk about mundane things. I just chat.
Intense, right?
Examining:
I struggled with whether I should call this examining, or more generally “critical.” Maybe I should have done both. But the point here is that I think about things…almost obsessively. This whole blog, and the Sweden blog, are about publicly airing some of the self-examination that I am constantly engaging in. It has been about having to vocalize how I see the world. But anyone who knows me knows that I try very hard to see myself and the world around me through a critical lens (though I feel like I fall far short of where I’d like to be). This can be tough for people, as people are not always in the mood for abstract conversations about this or that. Sometimes people just want to deal with their own shit. Or sometimes, they don’t want to deal with anything.
Uncool:
I guess this is where I touch on things that are a little more negative. I don’t see this as negative, per se, except in that people like cool people? I’m not cool. I could do a more thorough analysis of what it means to be cool, but I don’t really want to spend the time on it. I don’t have it. I dress poorly, I like a wide range of things, many which are uncool, but more generally, I think that earnestness and intensity aren’t particularly “cool” traits. Cool (when it isn’t at some pernicious high point) involves understanding how to present yourself in a way to maximize the appreciation of others. A lot of time, this involves framing yourself, your opinions, and your interests in specific ways. I means having an understanding, explicit or intuitive, of what people appreciate, and how that appreciation is evolving. And hell, I’d say this whole blog is pretty uncool, really.
Cool is just not something I care about, though that can lead to…
Unsexy:
I think that this is an interesting point in that it’s very different when it comes to men and women. I think that with men this is a lot less true, or at least, there are definitely many men for whom I am “their type,” and for many others, I wouldn’t really be a compromise. I do think a lot of the above traits still conspire to make me unsexy for a lot of people, but it was always much less broad. If people think you are sexy, they’re willing to at least give you a chance. If they don’t, it gets a lot harder! So when it comes to women, I think I’m about as unsexy as it gets. Dating and romance, at least in their mainstream manifestations in our culture, are all about understanding the chess game that is managing the process of going from complete strangers to sharing the most intimate of experiences. Earnestness isn’t sexy, as it gives itself up too easily. People want something rare and special, not something that is so clearly interested. People want to feel like they are earning someone, that they are special, not that you share yourself with everyone (which to be fair I do not, though the specific mechanisms of that are for another blog post). And I’m definitely not many girl’s “type” (though there have been some very, very rare exceptions to this). I’m short, I’m hairy, I’m dorky, I’m intense, I’m earnest. Nothing here screams sexy. I should also say that I imagine my penchant for intense self-examination is unsexy in that it doesn’t sound terribly confident, and confidence is sexy. I think that I am quite confident, but in a specific way. I am confident to question, I am confident to ask, I am confident to feel, to share myself. But vulnerability is not the kind of confidence which makes people have that inexplicable desire to want to be with you. And of course, mixing in with all of this is the bisexuality thing. I think that gay men are more understanding than straight women, probably because they find me more attractive in general, and the dating pool is smaller so they are used to making exceptions. I think, broadly speaking, women find men who have been with men at best unattractive, and at worst deeply threatening.
That isn’t to say that I can’t have success in the dating world, just that I have a fairly calibrated sense of where I exist in it. I heartily welcome discussion on this, though I have a feeling I know where things will go, and I have a blog post planned about that… but there are always surprises! I think this last point, though, on sexiness is where there is an inevitable misunderstanding between many of my friends and myself. I certainly have many good qualities, and I think my friends see that (I hope!). But the way that they gel together is very different when someone is relating to you as a friend than as a romantic interest. Basically, I think that friends are particularly bad at understanding sexiness, at least when it comes to me, because it’s completely orthogonal to how we relate to each other. There’s more to this that I want to explore in another post, the way in which friendship skews how we evaluate our friends, but I think for now the point has been made (though I wonder if people will agree).
Something important to underscore here is that I like myself. I really do. I am comfortable with who I am, with who I am becoming, how I am evolving. I have a lot of great people in my life. I have said this before. But what I am struggling with, I think, is how all of these factors above influence how I relate to others. What is key to who I am, and what can be toggled, reigned in? I don’t care about being uncool. Coolness is a stupid concept to me, and has no place in my life. But I can also appreciate that people appreciate a sense of mystery sometimes (especially in dating), they want something worth wanting. They don’t want someone who is earnest and intense, as that can come across as desperate and odd. And on an even more basic note, women generally want taller guys. Sexiness is particularly tricky because people have very little control over what they find sexy. They might hate themselves, even, for the things they find attractive (an extreme case being pedophiles, for example!), but they can’t help it. And I’ve known many women who feel bad that they are only attracted to, say, tall men… but that’s still their attraction. When it comes to an idea, you can debate and if someone is wrong, it is incumbent on them to change their views. But when it comes to attraction, you can’t force or expect anyone to find anyone else attractive.
And there I am.